Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
