He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
