Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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