You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
