Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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