this beer tastes like vomit already
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
