in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
