I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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