What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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