Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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