Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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