If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and she was petting her beer can
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
