How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
