the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
