I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
