im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
