I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
