tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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