Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
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If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
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I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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