I wish my penis had an off switch
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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