Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
