I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
