tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
