Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
