youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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