new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
