seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
