I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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