Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
