My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
