I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
