he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
