But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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