bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
