Swine flu. Run for my life!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
