I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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