Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
