i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
