You're completely useless in the revolution.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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