My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
