I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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