My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
