I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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