First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
