my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
