Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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