Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I need to calm my uterus...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
