I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
