Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
