Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
