My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
