I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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