I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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