genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
