apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
