You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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