I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
