I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
