I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
